LE CLUB RAT x TRAVIS BICKLE X LE ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE LIFESTYLE DILEMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LE CLUB RAT x TRAVIS BICKLE a 

le TAXI DRIVER aka LE ALTERNATIVE

 LIFESTYLE LIFESTYLE DILEMA. 

spitting e pillz out my mouth, trying to live normal, disco napz, le "taxi driver" style bender. 

...

SUPPY READERZZZZ!!!!!!!!! ARE U TALKING TO MOI??? le last time i blogged i blabbed about my grand ol plan to get life together post nyfw disaster/mania issuez.  OBVI i haven't completely pulled that off in le last month... buuuuut itz about le process peepz !!! thiz blogz basically just moi trudging thru my shit lifestyle,,, le alternative lifestyle lifestyle..... 

Here'z le health update: 

- have been drinking diet coke straight from le massive 2liter bottles on le reg. at least once a day. 

- absolutely convinced my apartment is killing moi/ poisoning moi via lead paint or mold (sick 247/ hacking cough).

- ive gotten better about not being a complete shut in but it seemz that when i feel fragile and go out too much... drama happens and all le drug addicts, party peepz, "creatives" and social climberz that usually fuel my fun just drain moi + make moi feel even mega farther from reality than staying locked away in my room does.

- slightly less nocturnal. 

- teeth def falling out. 

- also still to afraid to go to eye doctor.

- le bulimia comeback iz lil betterrrrr ishhh... lll leave that at that pour now. as alwayz, feeling f.a.t.

- listening to bob dylan.. so still depresso but leaning into it.

- stayed in a bit of an effing creative rut. i blame le bad press + le fashion world + trend forcecasting (vom) + peepz nonstop questioning moi about j fox ruining my mf makeup look (i try to keep it no comment on millenial media, sorz).

- ive been doing lots of research on writerz,  not necessarily reading,  just reading about writerz. plotting on writing fiction. ooh la la bla bla . 

- almost succeeded at celibacy.

- seeking new therapist. 

- majorly cut down cig smoking. 

- CONSIDERING GOING TO YOGA.

I've been doing lotz  and lotz of thinking about :

- JT LEROY.
- TRUMAN CAPOTE. 

- JACKIE O.

- TRAVIS BICKLE/TAXI DRIVER

- BEING HOTEL HOMELEZZ. 

- BLANKET POLITICAL STATEMENTZ. 

- LE ANTI MANICURE AKA JAGGED, DIRTY FINGERNAILZ (CHIC). 

- FACE JEWELZ. 
- CIGARZ. 

- FAKE ACCENTZ.

- TREND FORECASTING RUINING EVERYTHIN!!  JUST BE COOL. OH YOU CANT? THATZ WHY YOURE TREND FORECASTING. 

- LE ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE LIFESTYLE DILEMA. (shit way to live).

- HAPPENINGZ. 

GENERAL LIFE UPDATEZ:

• MORE GETTING KICKED OUT, BUT MOSTLY JUST GETTING DENIED ENTRY ALL TOGETHER.
• WINDING UP IN MORE HOTEL ROOMZ.
• GETTING IN BLOW OUT FIGHTZ IN HOTEL ROOMZ. 
• THINKING IT COULD BE A CRUSH, BUT HE'Z JUST  REPLY GUY (like 5 times). 
• VOM STAINZ ON MY EDGY BRANDY MELLVILE SHIRT THAT I BOUGHT HIGH SO I COULD ATTRACT PSEUDO-EDGY GUYZ IN LE EAST VILLAGE.
• SHOPPING DRY SPELL, ALMOST MIZZ BEING A COMPULSIVE SHOPPER (ALMOST).
• LOADZ OF FUN AT SHOWZ IN BK (IM SUPRISED TOO). 
• WORKED MORE. 
• POURED WINE INTO MY DIET COKE CAN LIKE LIZ TAYLOR.
• DIOR BAG DRAMA AF
• LOST DEBIT CARD IN OWN ROOM, FOUND BAG OF  WHAT I THOT WAZ BLOW. DID IT TO HELP SEARCH. WAZ KET. HAD TO TAKE LOADZ OF UPPERZ TO COUNTERACT. LONG NIGHT. FOUND CARD DAYZ LATA. 
• RANDO DRUG DEALER IZ IN LUV AVEC MOI (NOT INTERESTED). 
• FLAKED ON A MILLION PHOTOSHOOTZ DUE TO BAD HEALTH, POOR SCHEDULING,  AND FEELING FAT. 
• I THINK I HAVE TO MOVE (KILL MOI).
• TAKING BATHZ LITERALY ALL OVER NYC. JUST NOT MY CHEZ MOI. 
• STOMPED 2 HRZ IN LE SNOW TO GET MY FAVE ORANGE LIPPY FOR $3.
• SMOKED A CIGAR AT E VILLAGE DIVE AND ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT. 
• GETTING IN LOADZZ OF TROUBLE!!! EVEN THOUGH I FEEL SO INNOCENT!! 

itz all been weird sort of blur especially as i fight off mania and depressive down swingz... most recently i embraced LE CLUB RAT LIFE. i figured it had to better than le bar-fly trap ive been in all mf winter. goodbye east village... bonjouuuuur soho, tribeca , and le west side !!!! Fancy clubs were my jam when i waz underaged AF (thatz when they want u). then i did wut most party peepz in nyc do and moved on to le bushwick clubz. i loathed that and since covid ive just been a lil beatchic bitch at shit barz below 14th and east of broadway. but thiz past week espesh, le mf club just called my name!! 

LE CLUB RAT WEEK/ TAXI DRIVER BENDER: 

Unfortunately my memory is shit right now, i cant lay it out megaa clear, sors peepz.  a couple weekz ago i ramped up going out again. I hosted a party. went to every bar. and like 2 readingz(beatnik alert!). and even a show at that glam gramercy theater (annnnd had to leave after one act due to drama) . I hit some parties. bailed on a few more. hosted another party but le club waz shut down before id even gotten there (which probz waz a good thing as it was like nft/millady themed so an incel prob wouldve shot moi in le face or something), and NOW i had a long new york weekend of club commitmentz ahead of moi. 

a certain Euro music crew invaded this weekend for a series of showz. not rlly my scene but it threw mf new york into a mf tizzy !!!!  think scenester beatle mania from chinatown to bushwick. le hottest bitchez i knew: party girls age 18 to like 28 were acting effing brazy trying to get to hang with this crowd.  dont get moi wrong,  i think le groupie life is mega. i just prefer musicians a bit dirtier, sketchier, and maybe just more American.  

My weekend started on Thursday.  or maybe it was Wednesday... watev day it izzz, i go to a club to visit some friendz with bottle service. i wear my boxy cropped moschinoxH&M tshirt with giant gold chains stitched all over and a matching miniskirt with an actual gold chain above le crotch. and my formal westpoint military school coat... 

i prance up to le club to find my girlfriend looking a bit frazzled with our guy friend .. plusssss like 10 of le aforementioned euro guys who cant get in unless they buy a bottle. Sorry dudez, but i think this is generally a good club rule. i was not in mood.. or le party wasn't good enough... to ditch everyone for free tequila and juice.  so we drag le pack to a nearby bar. pretty much le moment we enter said bar,  a fight breaks out between some of our crew & some crazed patron.   sooooo we pull everyone back out and haul ass for wut feelz like hourz to le lower east side. im sure my girlfriend and i really seemed swag & sophisticated.. pacing outside bars and clubs like maniacs in our slutty outfits...waving broken cellphones and cigarettes around... screaming nonsense all in le name of finding le fun for le out of townerz. welcome to new york mothafuckuuuzzzz! u just hit le party girl jackpot with a side of le manic pixie experience! We triiiiied to speed le giant gang up but getting packs of guyz (especially non new yorkerz) to walk with purpose is effing torture. Solo, i could have made le stomp across soho in 17 minutes flat in heelz. buuuut Im being a team player. no abandonment just yet. everyone insists we go to effing Pianos for some event that might have been fun if id had a litty blood alc level but waz too effing packed. moi and 2 girlfriendz: the one who id been on le party search fiasco with since le first club, and one who id picked up on le sidewalk on le way, basically dropped le dudez off, popped an itty bitty pill,  and hopped into a cab backkkkk across town to location un. 

without le boyz, its no problem getting in. but soon enough , another girlfriend getz into door drama. shed been bounced or something for being too fun.  we negotiate out of that sitch and for like 5 minutes have some fun at sophia lamar's booth. unfortunately le bounced friend is bounced again for drink drama.. this night was essentially a bunch of it girls ping ponging from east to west + loads of emotional outbursts + tears + shots + drinks spilled + good outfits. i cannot keep moving so i stay put get shwasted.. I end up in an apartment with a smoke machine and ketamine (not my d.o.c , f.y.i).

Le next morning  I take a disco nap then head to a photoshoot. we wrap in time for moi to find a last minute club fit. after le manic shop..i rush home, shower, smear on my eyeliner and orange lipstick. i throw on my outfit: le chain micro mini skirt id worn le previous club night ( i believe that re-wearing party looks in short time periods is grunge + chic + mysterious +bohemian), a cropped fast-fashion baseball jersey, red patent leather heelz with a round toe, and my beacons closet find of le evening: a Travis Bickle a la TAXI DRIVER army jacket. Itz very of le moment: moody gloomy nyc loner meets vague blanket political statement. 

 Im T Bickle'd up just in time to pick up some cheap vodka and sugar free redbull and dash to my friend Ashley's. We link with pippi  and my new friend cj and take some shots. we have two eventz on le agenda.,,,trouble iz, altho NYC clubs close around 4 , which is supposedly later than most places ( HOW LE EFF DO PEEPZ GO OUT IN LA IF SHIT CLOSES BY 2 I NEVER HAV UNDERSTOOD), but its embarrassing to be at an event before 12am unless you are seeing a band or something. so that only rlly gives you like 3.5 to 4 hourz to cram multiple locations in. harder than youd think!!!!takes some serious party girl math! 

 trying to do it allllllll, we hop in a car to club # un of le evening to catch a friendz DJ set. Whatz le party for? apparently an after party for le big drainer event of le evening. we are basically le first ones at le midtown club which is only fab in that it means we can make complete foolz of ourselves dancing to le set. Pippi and i go ballz to le wall dancing on le stage, hyping up le growing crowd (in our mindz anwayz) , and clacking up and down le vip section stepz.  unsurprisingly, le VIP is basically le dimes square crowd with a bushwick scene twist. Maybe real VIPs showed lata, but i had to run to club # deux to fulfull my hosting duties at Le Bain for le PARKA party. By thiz point, club #un waz actually getting pretty fun. so i cant blame most of my girlfriendz for not wanting to ditch with moi for a gayer part of town. i even offered to let an ex ex ex boyfriend-ish whos now dating a friend of a friend in my car in a despo attempt to bring a crowd!!! but in le end, only pippi stuck with moi, and a friend whos like 18 and couldn't get into club #1! 

we arrive at le bain around 1 and at first le security wont let moi into le club on account of my lack of proppa identification.  Can you believe????? . "its my party!!!" didnt really impress theze guyz. but we were le right level of annoying that they eventually gave in and after a stressful 10 minutes we are taken up le big ass elevators,  led to a big ass table with couchez, and given our big ass bottlez of extremely glamorous vodka and cranberry juice. More friendz turn up and we drain it all quickly.  peepz are dancing on le table and falling over and making out but we manage to not get kicked out!!! mission accomplished. But i felt out of it. maybe it was le growing head cold that my probably mold toxic apartment waz giving moi, but i couldnt quite get shwasted enough and felt not on everyones carefree level. maybe it was responsible ish drinking for once (accidental). Maybe it was how sweaty le giant windows of le bain were, too fogged up to see le typically epic views of le west village and le hudson river. i felt like i waz in a haze, almost out of body. obvi i pushed thru and enjoyed le chaos.  mostly i chatted with my friend mika while we gulped down cranberry cocktail juice straight from le pitcher. water didnt seem to be readily avail and le club waz turning into one of those heat tentz rich peepz use to trip out and see god. around 345am our crew started trickling out.

 Lucky fo uz, despite le hazey weather conditionz, it waz actually pretty effing warm out for nyc in march. i kill some time spange-ing (spare+change plz?) for cash from strangerz to buy a diet coke from a halal cart. itz decided well go to a friendz east village pad and that we should just enjoy le good weather and walk a bit and then maybe hop on le L train. When we arrive at le afterz i take a lil E and then more is shoved in my mouth. i spit le second crumbly E pill out ( which was extremely responsible and adult of moi). therez plenty of party favorz and fun peepz to talk to but no toilet paper. so we use cut up puppy pee padz when we need to use le ladies room. 

hourz lata and its officially saturday and im still in my TAXI DRICER club ensemble, on some roof in brooklyn smoking cigarettes and drinking red wine from le bottle. but im not mega wrecked. some peepz that look like extras from le tv show Girls come up and  asks us to stop throwing our butts off le roof as theyre apparently going directly into their window. we work it out with le hipsters peacefully. CJ turns back up and we decide to go to her poetry reading at some bar. its mega crowded and i realize my cellphone is MIA. i figure therez not much use trying to track it down and stay disconnected 

we should've stayed for le other readerz and been polite bla bla bla. instead, we beg off to go to night deux of le euro guy concert and despite NOT being strung out... after picking up le tickets at willcall.... le bouncerz tell moi that therez "NO WAY" im going in bc they "know.  my. look". i literally hadn't done anything to piss them off, save run after my peppy friend who tried to cut le line. OUI, id been in le same outfit for 24 hours... and OUI, I was tugging my mini skirt down in that slutty way girlz do... and OUI, my red patent heels had long lost their rubber tipz and were dragging loudly on le cement outside le venue.. and perhaps making moi wobble a bit.... and OUUUIII, my make up waz a mess. BUT THATZ HOW I ALWAYZ EFFING LOOK!! like ello??? im totally le bitch to be too effed up to be allowed entry to le whatever it is. but i actually wasn't shwastedddddd for once and it hurt my pride that theze security gaurdz didnt understand GRUNGE. i guess le problem with heroin chic is that sometimes it means everyone thinks youre on heroin. 

We attempted to blab our way out of le drama but theze dudez were relentless. obvi le more i try to prove im not EFFED up, le more effed i must seem.  i wish bitch!!!! le line cutter friend had a vip ticket and a groupie mission and ran off into le throng of art schoolerz. so im left outside mf knockdown center feeling teary eyed from being brutally rejected by a place i didnt really want to be in le effing first place! in front of hoardz of young internet alts wearing like legwarmers and punk cosplay!!! and im running into loadz of peepz i vaguely know and have to say hi to.. but honesty i dont even know le name of most of them. and its so foggy and muggy and desolate it feelz like im in a fucking horror film. wait.... scratch that , im living out le meg version of mf TAXI DRIVER! at an effing drain gang concert. 

by le grace of le previous nights party gods, im still with two friendz who'd i run into somewhere along le way. they decided to be loyal and also get angry and get 86d in defense of moi. And thank EFF. Rememba!  i hav no cellphone, no cash, rain iz threatening to come down on uz, and we r in le middle of buttfuck brooklyn quite far from any subway.. totes loner listless nyc.... And then something brazy happens.  we spot a green effing TAXI. in. brooklyn.  We zoom to a restaurant/bar that like half my friendz have been fired from. 

despite my saviors and a couple drinks from le bar, i waz still feeling mega pouty, cut off from le world, and was literally stranded. ive ended up in this situation many timez in nyc: without my best friendz who are bound by friendship to look out for moi, without my phone,  without a plan, very far from my apartment,  and without much direction. And dont forget im literally operating legally blind theze dayz. vision probz + doctor phobic.  instead of panic, i just roll with le bohemian off le grid vibe. i roll like a mf rolling stone, peepz. forget le anxiety of being a loser-reject and being contact less  and lost in your own city... and lean in. just dont get too fucked up or then youre in real danger. 

after le bar everyone gets fired from, we sort of half heartedly dragged through le gloomy brooklyn Saturday night. at some point i realize someones put a bunch of chewed up gum in my mf chanel bag which just adds insult to injury.  everything is covered in gunk. im scum on le street. 

i buy cigz and more vapez and we bar hop at barz i never go to anymore. we meet up with guyz i never see anymore. le rainz stopped or maybe never really came down fully and the streets are wet and shiny and reflecting  le low hanging brooklyn traffic lights. Inside le barz im not getting effed up, just sort of coming down slowly. i kinda feel like im underwater in a submarine, watching everything happen around moi through lil goggle thingz. as le hourz pass by, someone keepz feeding moi weak coke and even though i look and feel like a ferral club rat by thiz point and my egos stuck under a bouncerz fuggly boot at le mf concert, someones pretty much flirting with moi all night. i sit and i smoke, thankful to be babysat and have peepz be  nice. and i probably needed to be stuck on a chill bar crawl more than i needed another scenester bender in Manhattan thiz evening. after le shit show oustside le show.. le last thing i needed waz a big night out of after parties, i prob would have Bickle'd le club! 

at 4am, we pour out of a dive that shall not be named ( but is famous for skaters and underaged peepz) and im pretty evened out and finally near an identifiable L train. Considering my very poor eyesight, terrible brooklyn geography, inability to uber, and le foggy af weather- missing le chance to hop back to Manhattan easily would be beyond testing my mf luck. i feel mega Trav as i peep-watch party goerz having more fun than moi drink white clawz and talk shit as le train makez its way from bushwick to first avenue. srsly thaaaaaank god i waz wearing my Travis Bickle jacket!!!!  eerie voyeuristic moment but i didnt even want to kill anyone!! felt a bit namaste. but def still"THEZE DAYZ MOVE ALONG WITH REGULARITY... ONE DAY INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM LE NEXT, A LONG CONTINUOUS CHAIN....BLA BLA BLA" vibez. imagine a saxophone blaring.

i get off le train, scrape my heelz back down avenue A, and fall into bed. by thiz time itz somehow 5am. ive been out in nyc for 36 hourz + with lil sleep and i think maybe zero food unless red wine counts. ive been to 2 clubz, 3 apartmentz, 1 poetry reading, and 5 barz. Def not even close to my worst bender but a lil more than moi on depresso mode should do. i kind of love a lil walk back downtown to wrap it all up. This night i was propositioned more than le usual by dealers and pathetics. or maybe they just sensed i waz a touch down and out ! thiz is why you dont get extra litty when youre lil lost in le night, young readerz!!!! 

i slept that off and woke up sick as shit.  i literally couldnt take 3 breaths without coughing up a lung all of Sunday monday Tuesday and half of Wednesday. i didnt smoke a cigarette for DAYZ. consequently i started drinking more diet coke than ever. like more than a six pack a day. ICK to admit but ive honestly been chugging straight from le 2 liter bottlez and finishing them in rather quickly.  therez four empty onez strewn beside my bed as i type! 

i dont know why thiz taxi driver bender waz one i chose to take le blog through- i guess usually when i party harder or longer its too much of a manic blur. le club girl attempt obvi ended as a failure . I'm just too edgy! And probz just too depressed this past month or two to pull off a glam chaotic phase. I'm gonna have to go back to le plan of pulling my life together in some sort of structured way. Well see how that goes. For now I'm back to being a bit of a shut in. 

 Now enough of le boring blab. Let moi give le goodz: MARCH PICZ. itz a bit skimp... but as i said i've been in a creative rut.

SKIMPY MARCH: 

1. BEAT-CHIC ALERT AKA MONTANA'S READING AKA LE RETAIL PHARMACY POP UP SHOP'S CLOSING CEREMONY EVENT AKA I DRANK RED WINE FROM A BLOOD BAGGY.  LE LOWER EAST SIDE. 

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2. HANGOVER BREKKY (BRUNCH IS LAME  AS EFF)  AKA BEING MOODY + MESSY IN PUBLIC. LE LOWER EAST SIDE. 

3. ITBOYGREG'S BIRTHDAY AKA CLUB RAGER ON LE ROOF. LE JANE HOTEL. 

4. MIKA SMOKING LE CIGAR AT LE DIVE  AKA LE CHICEST HOBBY. EAST VILLAGE. 

5. BEAT-CHIC ALERT AKA LE OPIOD CRISIS LOOKBOOK READING. AKA I POPPED  A LIL ADDY AND LISTENED LE EFF UP. KGB BAR, E VILL.  

6. FUTURISTIC FAST FOOD AKA PHOTO OP FOR MOI IN OLD AS EFF HBA SAMPLE, HEELZ, FUR. SAINT MARKZ, E VILL.

7. BOBBY'S BOYZZ CHEZ BOBBBIIIIII AKA CUTIEZ. BEDSTUY.

8. LE ELIZABETH TAYLOR DRINK AKA RED WINE IN EMPTY DIET COKE CAN AKA HOW TO DRINK IN LE UBER. LOWER EAST SIDE TO BUSHWICK.

9. DRESSUP PARTY CHEZ MATI AKA BEST WARDROBE  EVA AKA MEGA HUGE PHOTO INCOMING. BROOKLYN. 

10. ROOM DECOR UPDATE AKA MEG POPPED A PILL AND GOT ANTSY AS EFF. LE LOWER EAST SIDE. 

11. KARAOKE NIGHT AKA I WILL DO MOST ANYTHING FOR A CROWDS ATTENTION BUT I WONT SING!!!! LE LES MEETZ CHINATOWN.

12. GOT CAR ACCESS AKA WE WENT BRAZY THIZ IS TREAT IN NYC PEEPZ. LOWER MANHATTAN/SOHO. 

13. MAKING SOMEONE IN CHIC OUTFIT FIT SWAP MITH MOI AKA LAYE NIGHT SHENNANGIANZ. CHINATOWN. 

14. BEING SILLY AND AS TRASHY AS POSSIBLE IN MY ACCIDENTALLY BACKWARDZ CONTERFEIT CHLOE DRESS AKA MY NIPPLE WAZ OUT ALL NIGHT. DIMEZ MF SQUARE.

15. LE MOSCHINOXH&M ENSEMBLE AKA SACRIFICING A FLATTERING FIT FOR LE LOOK. LE LOWER EAST SIDE. 

16. LE CLUB AKALOADZ OF HOT GIRLZ. SOHO ISH? 

17.ASHLEYS LOUBZ IN LE CAB TO LE CLUB AKA IM DRUNK. DOWNTOWN TO MIDTOWN.

18. BEING GRUNGE AKA LE AFTER PARTY. SOMEWHERE IN EFFING BROOKLYN.

And fin! 

I'm sorry le blogs have been a bit few and far between but I've been at this shit for like almost what 2 effing yrz out and a bitch haz burn out. And iz a bit sick brain as of late. It's hard to talk about yo-self this much when you feel like shit. Even when you're as self obsessed as moi. I'm not gonna rush to blog again so no more nagging moi in Le dm'z, le hipster portal is basically in blog rehab for now. Maybe if the Adderall shortage in NYC endz i'll get on it quick. 

Merci for reading bitches. 

Namasté!!!!!!