chic-ifying insecuritiez part UN.. and 4 crayballz nights our in le chic city.........

chic-ifying insecuritiez part UN.. and scenes from
  le swag life AKA  4 nights OUT AND ABOUT! 

this week on le blog, i solve my readerz probz and pop all around new york city to party. 

suppies blog..

no bitch has ever been so mf happy to see summer end . i've had enough. je suis exhausted. i have a constant headache. Le head probz could also be attributed to my vision probz.. aka i desperately need glasses but stopped wearing contacts over a year ago when i ran out and have been half blind ever since. So don't be mad if you come up to moi on le street and I dont recognize you- to moi, you're literally just a blur. Its like coming up on a research chemical at all times. Especially at night! Thank eff I interned so much in fashion - aka was a glorified messenger . Teetering around le city in MiuMiu heels from Beacon's Closet carrying jabillionz of garment bags with nothing but an 18 year old's enthusiasm and a shit flip phone (even though it was 2016) taught moi le map of NYC so well that I rarely get lost, despite my impairment. I think when i eventually do get glasses i'd like them to be like Chanel 2005 extra large circle glasses .. meets Beatles glasses.... but i have a major fear of doctors to get over before that. And i need to focus on my legal issues before i address le health issues. its expensive to be moi, I have le daily to do list of a wannabe it girl and le big picture to do list of a divorce with zero life skillz who's recently been cut off. How am I to find le time to work 12 hour dayz, run bullshit fashion errands, see my friendz all over New York, take photos of moi-self, blog, eat pseudo health food, drink martinis, drink diet coke, brood like a propa writer, fulfill social engagements, fake read,  annnnnd find money for a lawyer and eye doc!?? Im only one bitch! 

le last time i bla bla bla'd to le blog was before fashion week. I hope you enjoyed my out of context fashion week picz last week... i had an incredibly hellish, chaotic week that you'll get to hear all about soon enough in a new format... ooh la la. Since le fashion week extravaganza, I've been running on empty. All i've done is work. Sort of.  I know its hard to imagine moi working on anything besides being amazeballz and chic and smoking cigarettes but i've been assisting stylists on photoshoots, planning shoots of my own, working on top secret projects, and occasionally binge drinking le stress away. i've barely had time to effing shop! My closet is totally pathetic right now. All i want is faux Lanvin dresses (i only have ONE) and high high high heelz (i still love ballet flats but this fall, sky-high, designer heels are back). Okay well actually i did spend $65 on a 1930s peter pan cap with a feather on it during fashion week...and a swag orange lipstick called "INDIE FLICK"... but i haven't shopped THAT much. Like today, after getting off work at 4pm... instead of run to my favorite vintage shoppe to bury my stress with le swipe of my debit card (this fashion victim cannot handle credit)- i'm taking on even more issues: MY READERS EFFING INSECURITIES. 

Oui, I asked you all to share your vain-est insecurities and peepz ... you did not disappoint. I have hundreds of new thingz to be insecure about moi-self! I cant believe I've been living my stupid life unaware that I should be spiraling about my forehead size, saggy tits, and greasy hair. But it doesn't matter that I've been unaware because I already have solutions. I'm sort of a believer that "self love" is a bit lofty and annoying. Boring bitchez say SELF CARE. Chic bitchez say SELF INDULGENCE.  

CHIC SOLUTIONS TO YOUR INSECURTIES:
What better way to 

1. "ACNE". solution: GRUNGE. hellllooooooooooo! Acne, even cystic acne, can have a mf edge. In fashion, we can exploit literally anything "ugly/weird" about ourselves !! When my face breaks out- I actually think my smudge, black eyeliner looks le best!  Its why I never wear foundation- it'd just be too try-hard, too so-so. What's the point of a messy makeup look if le skin looks flawless? C'est faux! Just get a leather jacket, dirty white denim, boots or beat-up flats, smudge on some kohl liner, stop washing your hair, and START. SMOKING. CIGARETTES. problemo solved. 

2. "CHUBBY CHEEKS". solution: LINDSEY WIXSON. Once againnn, embrace le look! Okay, so you're not a 2021 heiress turned super model with carved out facial features! Whatevz! that look is already getting snooze-y. Get le haircut everyone says not to get (bangs!) and pout a lot in photographs. And cake on makeup if you please- the MiuMiu doll look is actually easier for you to achieve than for other bitchez!

3. "LOOKING YOUNG/TOO OLD". solution: DON'T DRESS YOUR AGE.
 Apologies to le rest of woman kind, but this is how i see it: extra-as-eff outfits most easily are pulled off by children and old ladies. There's just something about the juxtaposition of baby skin or wrinkly skin with bonkerz outfits that works. Le fantasy is stronger because le outfit looks more transparently like dress-up, not too serious (le downfall of fashion "looks" is often self seriousness). If you don't dress your age, you'll look more stupid , and in that- somehow looks lessss stupid. Its, as my friend Alex likes to say: good stupid! Le general rule of thumb should be: if you're old- dress like a little gurl and if you're- young dress like an old lady! Or just ask yourself- HOW WOULD JEURGEN TELLER SHOOT MOI? Or just look at le examples below- all these girls are under 14 or above 55.  case closed. 

4. "OVERBITE/TEETH" solution: ITS SEXY. i used to be sooooo mf insecure about my teeth! There was alwayz something to die over when it came to my mouth. BUT MOUTHS ARE SEXY!! Let moi break this down: 

 -I had a MASSIVE GAP (thumbsucker) between my two front teeth and they stuck out for all of childhood. Then when I was 12,  I was convinced to have the gap closed with surgery... le gap made moi feel shitty and i couldn't pull it off.. but now i'd give anything to ride it out and have le london look in my adult life. I would give anything to prolong my awkward faze to look toothless chic now!!! if you have a gap, im begging you- wait. it. out. I see chicness in your future. 

 -THEN i had BRACES for ageeeez. So embarrassing. for way to mf long. Now I see all these cool teenagers and even adults I know rocking them in like effing Dazed and Confused editorials and makeup adverts. What le fuck. I def was in a major awkward phase and never would have looked like a midland model in braces... but I think If i had looked at them more through a fashion lens than a "i look fuggly/young/totally unfuckable to my school peers"-way, it would have been a lot easier. If you have braces, even if you hate them, i reccomend doing loads of photoshoots NOW, you'll luvvv le picz down le line. 

.-AND now that I have braces OFF my teeth have totally gotten CROOKED/MANGLED again (lost all retainers immediately) and they are YELLOW AND STAINED from cigarettes! I simply write that all off as grunge. You should too. 

-FINALLY i've always had an OVERBITE AF. And i dont have a strong chin so my profile is a bit dopey. I used to obsess over it and want like jaw filler and kybella. But no one actually cares. The more homogenous the Instagram girl - filler look gets , the more little imperfections are going to be aestheticized, treasured, and eventually commercialized. Just think of yourself as a new face, a trendsetter. I'd rather have a weird profile than look like everyone else.

-AND BTDUBZ- if your teeth are totally jacked- once you reach like 20: everyone is gonna want to take your photograph and sleep with you if you move to a city. Literally every time a guy has totally psycho teeth i flip! Trust. moi. CHIC PEEPZ DONT NEED NICE TEETH. its just a lame ass class indicator anywayz. 

5. "THIN LIPZ". solution: NUDE LIPSTICK. no offense but I dont even see le point to this insecurity. its so obvious that thin lipz will be in soon. filler plumped lipz are reaching their max capacity. Remember le thick eyebrow craze of 2015ish a la CARA DELEVIGNE???? And then how a few years later we had a massive thin brow revival craze??? Anywayz, if you are feeling insecure about this just, google any 60s waif. or le mona lisa. they've all got thin ass fucking lips. As per usual- i suggest globbing on eye makeup and playing that up. Whats more- i suggest trying a nude lipstick! commit!! Just be a giant set of eyes. Also consider a pixie cut. 

6. "THIN + GREASY HAIR". solution: HEROIN CHIC. Do you think Kate Moss let a bad hair day keep her from being sexy? Pretend its intentional and stop brushing it. 

7. "HAIRLINE/HAIRLOSS". solution: STUPID CAPS. no one is actually "not a hair person" as peepz lurv to say. You just aren't being confident enough. Take your ass to goodwill or whatever and start buying fuggo lil hats and caps. I especially recommend: fur caps, top hats, sailor caps, headbandz avec featherz stuck in them, military caps, Pete Doherty hats, riding caps. Dash Snow hats, fascinatorz from le 20s to le 60s. I beg you to avoid: berets, floppy 90s hats, bucket hats, fuzzy faux fur hats, 2000s y2k lizzie mcguire hats (vom.. so passe). 

8. "TOO BROKE FOR GOOD CLOTHES" solution: OUTFIT REPEAT. well well well, another insecurity than easily by solved by grunge. Maybe even crust punk-esq, in this case. Kurt Cobain was effing broke, he still dressed well. Kurt Cobain was a genius tho.. and you might not be. SO i recommend copying some of his best looks at le thrift and wearing them over and over. Or if not Kurt,, Alice Dellal if she shopped at urban outfitters sale rack.  If you can have amazeballz flexy style like le bitchez on instagram or depop or whatever le fuck- you need to be cool by being lowkey, dgaf, rocker vibez. Find one good pair of skinny jeans and wear them every effing day. the more you wear them the more chic-ly distressed they'll be. You'll look effortlessly cool and tough. Once again- you may need to pick up smoking to complete this look. If youre not grunge inclined, I still suggest outfit repeating. I love nothing more than to wear one party look for an entire weekend. I think we've covered this here on le blog before actually. Even if i dont stay out le entire weekend partying le hourz away... I love love love to dress in a way that implies i have been. typically peepz will only wear a sequin dress once or twice, or at least not after they've posted in it. I think its pretty chic to make a sequin item your personal version of jeans. wardrobe staple is a real thing. just dont be basic when you're picking what yours will be. 

9. "DUMPED BY EX" solution: MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL YO SELF.  call moi effing toxic but sometimez we all need le green light to be effing crayballz. Getting hotter helpz, but lets face it, we usually get dumped for our personalities or behavior. If you can't get over your ex, or at least can't get over the rejection of being kicked to le curb.. i suggest going out a lot, drinking a bit too much, wearing messy makeup, cutting your hair, dressing promiscuously, spending a lot of money, starting fights, and making out with strangerz. It might sound destructive and sketchballz but i've been dumped a bit and le mania that followz has always carried me through and revved moi up for le next stage of my life. At the least you can have a pretty swag style reinvention. Surrender to le emotionz. When le next heart breaker shows up in your life- you'll have way more going on than just a rejection complex going on. 

10. "BIG UGLY NOSE" solution: JOLIE LAIDE. ever heard of Anjelica Houston peepz? Jolie Laide is le french phrase for a woman who is beautiful despite totally fug features. You may hate your big ass nose but it makes you look interesting which makes you look fashionable which with the right styling makes you look chic. And maybe even intelligent. And a crooked nose, like crooked teeth, is sexy. Whatever you do, don't try to tone it down, downplay it, be normal and lowkey. It will just make everyone view you in le context of basic boring faces. You need to accentuate that honker! 

.... je suis double exhausted now that i've solved 10 major human issues. Unfortunately, peepz, this waz just le tip of le self hating iceberg. This series is going to have to be a series if we wanna cover all my readers issuez... still coming up we've got: 

"BIG BOOBZ"

"SMALL BOOBZ" 

SAGGY BOOBZ (WEIGHT LOSS)

WEIGHT GAIN AFTER RECOVERY 

HEIGHT

STOMACH

BIG ARMZ 

BULK LEGZ

THIGHS 

BEING FAT 

BEING POOR

THICK CALVES

"MY THOUGHT PROCESS"

SOCIAL ANXIETY

CANKLES 

ATHLETIC BUILD 

CELLUTLITE

UNEVEN EYEBROWS

NO HIPS

CLOWN FEET 

UNDEREYE BAGS

SCARS 

"BROAD SHOULDERS, LIKE LE HULK" 

"MY PERSONALITY" 

UNIBROW 

THICK BODY HAIR 

UNPHOTOGENIC

BLOATED STOMACH

HIP DIPS 

TOO SKINNY 

BIG FOREHEAD 

GUYS WANTING ME FOR SEX NOT LOVE

PENIS 

JAWLINE 

WEIRD NIPPLES

DIF SIZED BOOBS

LAZY EYE 

.... to name a few. 

But i can't tackle it all today. I want to get back to le important blog blabbing... talking about moiself and......

.............. what i've been up to in my chic little city life:

1. MAKING MY LEGS LOOK SKINNY IN PICTURES. 

2. BEING A BEATNIC (BEAT CHIC) IN MY FAUX LANVIN DRESS. 

3.  DATING MY BOYFRIEND KISS. 

4. WEARING LOADZ OF PLEATHER. 

5. WEARING LOADZ OF PLEATHER AND LIVING IN A TRASH-FILED NYC APARTMENT BUILDING THAT SMELLZ AWFUL BECAUSE NO ONE CAN PROPERLY TAKE OUT THEIR MF TRASH. 

6. WEARING LOADZ OF GOLD METALLICS.......... 

7. ENJOYING LE "INDIE FLICK" ORANGE LIPSTICK. 

8. GETTING BLA BLA BLACKOUT.......  only a handful of timez... as i said i've been busy and tired but that sort of makes me need to ... cut loose when i do get a free night... lets break this down into bits: 

NIGHT A. DRESSING LIKE A STARDOLL CHARACTER (PLEATHER AND PRADA BOOTIES) AND HITTING DIMES SQUARE... my friend Jack invited moi to dinner and we foolishly went to a Dimes Square haunt. If you don't know what Dimes Square is... dont bother its not interesting at all. Its not really my scene typically. I prefer like, east village or soho or something. But as le self proclaimed Holly GoLightly/Audrey Hepburn of the Lower East Side, I supposed its good I grace the traingular lil neighborhood now and again. Jack and I ate way to much mf meat and finished a bottle of wine. It was le night after fashion week and my feet were dragging in my Pradas. my pleather leggings were sticking to moi. still, I felt lowkey seeing as I was wearing a cardigan. We almost called it an early night but we ran into a friend outside notoriously over-hyped (i find it boring) bar Clandestinos and ordered Diet Cokes and Fernets to settle our stomachs. Its supposed to be Fernet and Coke but you know im not effing drinking that. What is Fernet? No clue but its old-timey so Im into it. One drink led to another and before I knew it I was at some high-rise apartment calling a 6am uber home. 

....... here's le pleather model off duty aka StarDoll Character in Prada heels outfit i wore in full (pre "indie-flick" orange lipstick and eyeliner): 

i crawled into bed at like 7 to a pretty annoyed Kiss and didn't go again until............. 

NIGHT B. MARTINIS AT A FRENCH RESTAURANT.. THEN A CAB.. AND ANOTHER CAB... AND FIGHTS... AND GETTING KICKED OUT OF A HOTEL... Montana, a dear friend from le Parsons days invited moi to dinner and drinks at Buvette. I put on my highest wedges and hobbled over le west village cobblestone to meet them. We knocked back gin martinis and ate our tiny little servings of mega rich french food. I had le bestttt tartine: salty af anchovies, butter, and bread. And a beet salad. As we finished our feast our friend Lola Rose texted saying she was at Tompkins by a bar our friend Tahar works out... so we hailed a cab and booked it across town. While we waited for Tahar to get off work we hit a different Avenue A bar where I had a million drinks and I  may or may not have done a popular party favor in le bathroom. Hint- its le bathrooms most popular substance.I took mega pics with complete strangers and killed time. When Tahar got off she invited us to crash a birthday party in midtown she had been invited too. I dont think it was rude of us to crash because le party was at a karaoke bar. And can you really crash any event in midtown ? non. So we called an uber... got kicked out.. called another one.. and raged until we all got kicked out of the bar. I didn't sing , but i did get on le mic. Since we were already in midtown we all walked to the hotel of le birthday girl. We crammed in there and smoked cigarettes out le bathroom window until we once again, got kicked out. No comment on le sparklers in le room thats not what got us kicked out- it was probz the multiple calls i made to room service requesting bottles of vodka. Big security dudes walked us out the door and we carried on to Times Square. We took picz at times square then aftered in east village as le sun rose. Eventually Tahar and I got in a fight so we went to a diner for eggs benny and crashed. 

........ honestly i hated moi outfit this night i didn't have time to fully get it together with my sailor swag. im being honest, raw, and gritty by sharing le pics anywayz.  I looked much cuter night C.,,

NIGHT C. GETTING SHWASTED WITH DESTINY IN BUSHWICK. Dont take molly randomly and then go to bushwick peepz. I randomly took molly at like 6pm because le opportunity presented itself. And so then i was bored so i had to go out. i harassed all my friends until i found someone who wanted to party on a Tuesday. It was my only night to go out (with a day of le next day) and i needed to make it worthwhile. Giane, Bobbi, and moi hopped in a cab from mine to le danger zone for hipsterz with a lot of energy: myrtle broadway. We had martinis and invited more and more people to le bar. I did more and more molly. At some point Destiny, who I hadn't actually met in person up until this point, and i ran off to some manly bar where we got more wasted with dudes and everything went a bit fuzz. You'll have to use your imagination as far as narrative goes... but its clear we did a lot of apartment hopping and a lot of photoshoots. C'est le vibe when i wear my "DEFINETLY NOT ON DRUGS" dress. i go wild! I woke up on her floor, we ate an italian sub, and i took a 2pm subway back to manhattan. 

i really effing grunged it up didn't I. how can my readerz be insecure when i make this shit chic??? After this night i SWORE i wouldnt go out all night again... but then I got a call from Miss I with an offer i couldn't resist... 

NIGHT D. PENTHOUSE PARTY WITH BURNERS.  

***EDIT- HAS BEEN REMOVED IN FEAR OF LEGAL ACTION... ( SO YOU KNOW IT WAS A GOOD PARTY) .***

....

and no i didnt get covid! i've been getting tested af and i've come back clean as a whistle.... well sort of. no covid but je suis a bittt sicky. my voice is mega straggly and hoarse but i think its kinda sexi ... def achievable long term if i stay addicted to cigz. 

wut kind of party shall i seek out next peepz?? let moi know in le commentz.

and let moi know if you want more insecurity hacks. i think theyre p effing genius. le perks of being enlightened in all thingz chic...

until next blog, dear readerz.

merci af for reading my blabbing. 

au revoir. 

namaste.... 

x