A WEEK IN LE LIFE.. FASHION BLOG, OOTDs, AND HOW TO STYLE AN EYEPATCH.

BONJOUR BITCHEZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

THIS IS AN EXTRA FASHIONy BLOGGY FASHION BLOG. LE HIPSTER PORTAL HAS BEEN ONLINE FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW- SO BON ANNIVERSAIRE TO US ALL!!!! 

Oui, over 50 blogs and counting ........and technically my first post was August 31....... so im jumping le gun a bit!  It seems like just yesterday I was posting pics of moi-self posing with Eddie Sedgwig prints and blabbing about my first post quarantine outingz to my 78 readerz. Now Le Portal is popping, im officially a writer-type, and  everyone and their effing mom seems to be a fashion blogger! But im not mad- c'est le life of a FASHION PLATE. I have dedicated my effing existence to serving le trendz... and letting others eat them up, lick the plate clean, copy le recipe, toss it in le microwave... I'm basically a fashion chef...

HERE ARE MY UPDATED FASHION DO'S + DONT'S:  

-THE NEW BOTTEGA SHOES ARE UNNACCEPTABLE. SO ARE THE ACCESSORIES. Unless you have the powers of  Bahar  : a mysterious rich bitch/ occasional realityTV star who lives in hotels in Turkey and is the best dressed/vibiest person in the world right now... you are just going to look pathetic af in those god-awful, puffy designs. Like a self-serious fashion victim. People will legit feel bad for you... ...........Some turkish peepz have filled me in on Bahar and her transformative skills are unmatched. She gained like 30 lbs just to get back on TV. She frauded her way into a mf plus size modelling competition!!!!  This bitch is a chameleon and the ultimate euro trash princess. Only it girlz of her caliber can pull off heinous accessories. The way I see it- carrying a new bottega accessory is the wealth criminal version of wearing those awful fuzzy purses from DollzKill or whatever. (No offense!) Don't be mad at moi- sell it on le realreal and get yourself some old Balenciaga (Ghesquière).  

- DUMP YOUR TINY ACCESSORIES IN THE EFFING TRASH. I can't believe I still have to mf say this!!!!! Tiny sunglasses and purses  make me want to puke. Its been years now. Its effing stupid and not in the fun way. I shouldn't have to spell this out but: if every basic on the planet is wearing Tana Mongeau glasses and a teensy Prada bag- YOU should be gravitating to the extreme opposite! E=mc2 peepz. Massive dump bags that you can toss all of your chic belongings into should be your purses. The biggest possible Jackie-O shades should be le go-to (those face-visor sunglass things are bad-tacky tho, fyi). I'm even sick of kitten heelz. Its either ballet flats, flat fucking sandals- or extremely high heels. No comment on sneakers- its not my forte. 

- PIN STRAIGHT HAIR OR EXTREMELY MESSY HAIR PLZ. Let be honest with ourselves- most of us cannot do both. Figure out which best suits your current mop and stick with it. 

- THIGH HIGH BOOTS. no heel! flat!!! think chelsea boot!!! the uglier the better. wear with a mega clashing outfit. 

-MEGAPHONES. just carry one around and scream into it on le street at your friends. also silver whistles. 

- SEX WORKER CLOTHING FOR THE NON SEX WORKER IS LAME AF. Call me an anti feminist, but I'm calling bullshit on the stripper wear for teens as empowerment thing. Wait.. scratch that- teens should make ridiculous, miscalculated fashion don'ts- so ignore this one, highschoolers. But im sick of seeing the 19-30 year olds of New York in their wannabe stripper gear. Like come on. Dad pays the rent!!!!!!! The sexy baby, faux-only-fans girl thing  is drifting into the Bratz doll bermuda triangle where fashion goes to die. The look is getting basic and ruining its edginess for actual strippers et all....le sigh. Normalizing doesn't mean commercializing, peepz! then again, who am i to talk.. 

-RAINING? CONSIDER WEARING A TRASH BAG AS A DRESS. fuck a rain coat. this is very chic. 

- GET A MASSIVE TATTOO OF A HANGER ON YOUR BACK. i think i will be doing this soon. Im sharing because i think its extra funny if there's loads of people with it. 

- CARRY A BRIEFCASE. A chic one. Vintage. Leather. Quite hipster rich bitch vibes. A touch Wes Anderson annoying. 

- ASCOTS ARE ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA.

- CHEW NICORETTE GUM. 

-THINK CAREFULLY BEFORE SPORTING DENIM. What denim is cute right now? not anything remotely y2k, balenciaga-ish, or baggy.... Im sure there are exceptions but they probz prove the rule. 

-TRY BRIGHT COLORED DENIM. think Jenna Lyon's J-crew. obvi im talking skinnies. 

- INCORPORATE FEATHERS INTO YOUR WARDROBE. By any means possible. 

- OUI OUI, BOHEMIAN AF BEAD

WORK. on vests, jackets.. but be careful to be vintagey- not grandma or cottage core or fairy or whatever le fuck... yuck!

- CONTOURING ISNT CHIC. unless you don't blend it in an hba way.... 

- HEALTH GOTH TEXT ON CLOTHING IS SOOOOO 2015. Let's move on. 

- JUST SAY NO .TO CRAFTY CLOTHING. we are exiting the great depression vibes and entering le roaring 20s. No need to look fake poor! 

- METALLICS AND JEWEL TONES. Purples, Blues, Greens, Reds, Silver, Gold, and everything with a sheen. This goes for everything: clothing, nails, makeup, shoes. 

- MINI CUPCAKES ARE FASHION FOOD. bring these with you wherever you go. Bonus points if they have designs or edible pearls/gold on them. No melissa's cupcakes! I hate that place.  

- CARRY AROUND AND FAKE READ MASSIVE COFFEE TABLE BOOKS. at le park, on le subway, walking down le street. And at home- stack them in messy piles all around or on the coffee tabe. Dont arrange them too preciously its pathetic. 

- WALK AROUND WITH ARMS FULL OF MAGAZINES AND BOOKS. where is she going with that heavy stack???????! mysterious literary-trashy vibes. 

- ADDERALL. never waz much of a fan but kind of liking its vibe theze dayz. 

- SUGAR FREE REDBULL. 

- SUGAR FREE FRO-YO WITH HELLA CANDY ON TOP. 

- ORDER COOKED FISH AT RESTAURANTS WITH THE EYEBALLS STILL IN.     

-BREAD BASKETS. with butter. 

- ABSOLUTELY NO HYDROFLASKS. USE A CANTEEN. or fill a wine bottle with water. 

- NON-DENIM OVERALLS. if they're full legged they must be skin tight or extremely baggy with nothing underneath. If they're shorts- go cray. 

- GET SOME UNFLATTERING ROMPERS. oui, its time for these again. for sexy- get a tight jumpsuit. 

- OLD BALMAIN. especially le jeans and blazers. 

- NOW IS A GOOD TIME TO BUY OG ALEXANDER WANG SHIT. its on le low. 

- WINE LIPS. literally wine stained lips. and then any purple or red shades that looks like wine stain. 

- GOLD/SILVER LINED EYES. mixed with some kohl liner. chicness. 

- FACE JEWELS. Not a full blow bhindi.. just some gems... 

- YELLOW CABS, NOT UBERS. much more glamourous and  tres vintage. Probz the chicest way to arrive to a party. uber black is tacky as efffffffffffff btdubz. 

- THE BEST ACCESSORY IS A DERRANGED LOOKING PET WITH A BAD ATTITUDE. 

- THE SECOND BEST ACCESSORY IS A DERRANGED LOOKING DATE WITH A BAD ATTITUDE.  

- BLUE MASCARA ON YOUR BOTTOM LASHES ONLY. im... not even going to get started on egirl makeup (nose blush, hi-lighter, red shadow.............vom!)

- WAGONS. in nyc everyone has those grandma carts and shit for groceries/moving but its not that chic. i suggest a little vintage wooden wagon. try to get someone to cart you around in it! v twee.  def be wearing a stupid (conductors) hat when using le wagon. 

- GET SOME UNFLATTERING BANDEAUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so crucial that you do this- its le summer look. especially as a top. they're like one dollar on poshmark. i suggest old forever21 

- NO MORE PUFFY SLEAVES AND BOWS. this trend has been murdered for ages. Move onto sequins, coated leather, and hot pants plz. 

.........for my last tip- i have HUGE news: 

-IT IS OFFICIALLY TIME TO BRING BACK THE CLUTCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! big deal, peepz. i know they're the worlds least practical purse. But at least when you're stumbling around the party or crawling through the mosh pit and your hands and knees- you be saying "has anyone seen my CLUTCH"??!!!!!!!!! so effing chic. The bigger the better. Make sure to hold it in different positions constantly. Clutches hold a tension that way- you'll never be totally at ease. Wave it around, hold it at your hip, definitely hold it in front of you obtusely, hail a cab with one, cover your crotch with it when you wear a short dress, and tuck it under your arm like a newspaper. 

... 

...WHAT I'VE BEEN UP TO THIS WEEK/OOTDs: 

1. MET TAHAR IN LE PARK. Fresh from csm in london, Tahar linked moi at Tompkins to smoke cigz, taste test shitty hard seltzer, gossip, and vamp. We had an extremely edgy photoshoot in le park and walking to le astor place subway station. New York is so gritty. 

2. WENT TO LE CINEMA AVEC KISS. 

3. CHECKED OUT TRUSTFUNDGOTH'S BLOG-TASTIC NAILPOLISH. Louboutin and the Chanel collection. Really reccommend insvisting in this- makes for great wall decor. Further- if any readers have a nailpolish collectionthey'd like tosell moi in bulk: let moi know. its fine if they're expired af- i just want to hang them above my  MAN REPELLER golden sign and scatter them around le apartment.

4. PHOTOSHOOT WITH AN INFECTED AF EYE. vegan makeup/ cruelty free makeup has moi fucked up. Maybe its all the diet coke in my bloodstream or mad cow disease or something but vegan/cruelty free makeup had me fucked up. I tried a cute eyeliner I got on set for a job and my eye literally got infected as eff!!!!!!!!!! Back to le drug store shit peepz............

Anywayz, I had a lil shoot the next day as well... but this was a gig : i was mf free modelling again! What to do? Clack to cvs in some heelz and get a 7 dollar cheap n chic accessory! Problemo solved. 

5. BOUGHT A TRASH BAG DRESS. I went to Knickerbocker avenue to get a whole new wardrobe for 40 bucks to reward moi-self for working so hard. Rainbow-esq stores in NYC are basically a trashy girl's American Apparel if you stick to the right colorscheme. I went to le shop in search of more suspender shorts (as seen on last week's blog when I got shwasted on le fourth of July). I had black and blue but at $2.50 a pop, I knew I needed to go back and get one of every color. And some doublez. Once I accomplished that- the shopping compulsion was pumping and I quickly amassed an epic haul of mini dresses, bodysuits, tiny shorts, and lose fishnet tops in red, white, blue, and green synthetic fabrics. My chicest find? This plastic, pleather dress that is unflattering in a totally expensive way. Hefty-bag Prada, peepz: its my jam. 

6. DRESSED INNAPROPRIATELY FOR EVERY OCCASION. New York has been weather confused as fuck lately. I've been etiquette confused my entire mf life. OOTD no.1 was what I wore to a "game night at my friend/LES neighbor's. It waz a Friday night so I dressed for party energy. I even added my read patent pumps. Everyone else wore normal, relaxed clothing and had, like, graduated from real college. OOTD no.2  was what I wore in 90 effing degree weather with 1000percent humidity. The sweater is mega scratch. I went to Washington Square Park for a freakshow,  an art show in Chinatown, and then went toTrustFundGoth's place in FiDi. We drank red wine and ate mini cupcakes and kebabs in the total dark. She doesn't do overhead lighting, she really has the chicest décor. 

=

7. LOOKED SWAG IN MY ROBE. invest in one. I nabbed mine from set and while it does have some make up stains, its still soft af post bleach wash. Wearing a robe makes being a lazy slob = luxurious and elegant. i promise. Bonus points if you smoke cigs on your front stoop in it at all hours of the day. Double bonus points if you go to le deli in the robe, buy a diet coke/piece of over-refrigerated chocolate cake, and then eat it in your bed at like 11:30pm. 

8. OOTD'd/ HOW TO STYLE AN EYEPATCH. 

... OKAY im realizing this list is completely out of order. The timeline of these events n'est pas important. fill in le gaps . This was hourz after modelling. 

9. TOOK LE SUBWAY...

10. ... TO MISS I'S "SOFT" HOUSWARMING PARTY.  (most of her antiques have not arrived yet, but the place still looks fucking fantastic. Its in le process of being painted gold or something like dat. She has an extremely cute kitten named Deco (curtesy of her boyfriend who has a ferral cat rescue in his backyard). Her hosting and guestlist was fucking fantastic. 

...Miss I seriously had it all: outfit changes, a balcony for smoking, loads of champagne and gin, a cheese platter with pickled carrots, swag music, male models, and her mother! I left carrying my heelz. My eyepatch is def lost in a crevice of her vintage couch. 

10. WORKED. don't i look extremely professional?! Like a proppa conde girl- not that I can even get in that building... like literally. I have no identification and nice buildings in New York never let moi in! 

11. ATE PATE. DRANK MARTINIS. WENT TO MORE ART SHOWZ. BLABLABLAEFFINGBLA.

12. WORKED HARD ON FASHION SHIT. 

13. ATE SKETCHBALLZ FOOD. nom.  

14. THERAPIZED AND LOOKED CHIC. Oui, I still see my therapist at least once a week. 

...

ooh la effing la. Let moi know what you'd like to see next time on le blog. 

au revoir...

namaste.

xxxxoxoxo.