WHAT I EAT post(?) anorexiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (manifesto+foodpics)

namaste dear readers!

 okay so on my Instagram i asked what people wanted me to blog about AND the overwhelming response was...... food.  

........"la nourriture"

so naturally i decided to blog: what i eat ... post anorexia

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!TW bitches....................................im serious ! TW EATING DISORDERZ 

oki so im not a huge fan of disclaimers but i already fucking know how ppl love to socially dissect, so let me just say now: IF YOU DONT WANT TO READ THIS- FUCKING DONT. THIS IS MY BLOG. I CAN AND WILL SHARE MY TRUE FEELINGS (NOT POSITIONS OR OPINIONS- JUST MY CURRENT FUCKING FEELINGS) ON THIS BLOG. I AM RELATIVELY RESPONSIBLE (??) AND DO NOT WANT TO TRIGGER ANYONE OR SHARE THE SICK BRAIN BULLSHIT EATING DISORDERS PLAYS ON YOUR MIND.... BUT THIS WILL PROBABLY BE TRIGGERING... AND IT COULD BE RELATABLE AND FUCKING REAL. MOST LIKELY IT WILL BE DUMB AND ANNOYING, I LIKE THAT VIBE, Anyways.. this is my true experience and i do not believe this will endanger peeps. telling people they cant do or say shit, or present it in certain lights- has its time and place---- but can also prevent true expression, understanding, and perspective. the control of narratives has made media less truthful about real issues/experiences. fuck off bitches!!!!! 
kk.... rant o-v-e-r. 

"what i eat ... post anorexia."

 okay so, again, as i said: on my dumb Instagram i asked what people wanted me to blog about AND the overwhelming response was...... food.  

listen im sure there was irony to this response like its the most cliché blogger subject--- but that humor is kind of boring, basic, and obvious and im going to take those suggestions totally seriously. 

for me to talk about food is complete lolz because my relationship with food is one of my most contentious. after a lifetime of drama im probably in the best place ive ever been and the fact that i can talk about food at all - something ive never ever fucking did (at least honestly),,,,especially publicly is swag....*

**okay so reading this back a few weeks later... LOL d-e-l-u-s-i-o-n-a-l. Like, I just realized (again) that I have body dysmorphia today (nov 16)! i literally forget and have a total aha-moment every once in a while like its a total shock to my brain.  im sure you guys know i have body dysmorphia if you've ever seen my angles/posing in selfies OR god-forbid  you've ever tried to take a candid of me and had me bark at you !!! But im in constant denial.... for example i bought a scale the other day on impulse. thats a secret btw and if anyone confronts me about it irl, i  will not talk to them about it, this is my journey and i already have a therapist! What happened was i ate a slice of pizza on a job (yes, i was actually working ) and then absent mindedly got on my boss' workout bike and slowly peddled. I really didnt think about it but i def had googled "how many calories are in a slice of pizza"  while i ate and then gotten on the bike. My boss came in the room and there I was... taking selfies, slowly peddling on his bike next to a mirror next to an empty, greasy plate.i know... not the look... he was like "are you biking cuz you ate the pizza" and I was like "omg noo i was taking selfies and am bored" (which is true and what I thought was the reason) but then after the totally embarrassing moment i realized I totally did that because i had just eaten pizza!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and then right after i bought a scale online! wtf bitch! brains are so cray. i have had a strict no scale rule since the last time I weighed myself  like 4 years ago to "check" if i was too underweight with a friend. it was kind of a joke. It was def rock bottom vibes. Anyways my true religions were falling off my body and the scale said i was defffff way too under 100 pounds and I was on the way to being efffffed up .It was a terrible time in life and i was seriously sick af. I looked like shit and was actually losing my mind.  i told my friend I weighed over 100 tho..................... addict behavior. When the scale arrived today I got it out and stood on it with my clothes on. i think standing on the scale nude is creepy. Anyways i stood on the scale and was shocked. i weighed literally 25 pounds less than i thought! wtf! i think i've lost a little weight lately but im not sure, I can never really tell,  and i thought it was because i've just been all around healthier and half-retired from partying the last few months..... now, im not sure whats going on! look what i did during/after i ate the pizza! I genuinely still half believe my scales faulty. like maybe they just do that so people rate the scale well on amazon??? (and i knoooow fuck amazon, i've cut way back on amazon purchases AND there is no ethical consumption AND you cant expect individual consumers/culture to be responsible for this shit).... now back to the other 2020 taboo... weighing myself! I fully just didnt believe the number and i still kind of don't and to be totally honest my psycho ass is thinking of buying another one just to be sure... I really am struggling to believe it........ I know. i shouldnt have bought it and i should throw it away... but this is my raw loser life here on le blog. Le scale is now hiding under my bed.  Point is , i had another aha! moment when i read the number!! so maybe it was a good thing because I realized I'm body dysmorphic AF ! I somehow had forgotten...  Anywayz, i had to share this bc i dont want to be giving advice or acting as if i know anything! i know nothing i just have Je ne sais quoi and passion! and i hate when people who can admit their issues act so perfect and hollier than thou.  i do it sometimes and honestly ef that!  its nice to imagine but most issues dont result in enlightenment (altho im working on it!) - they end in having a lifelong relationship with said issue to try and do your best. 

.now... eating, and what i eat:............................. blablaaaaaaabla.........:

i know that u are supposed to be in recovery forever or whatever and i do subscribe to that and it really helped me when i was much earlier in my *recovery* but i would still consider myself post because i am not currently acting on full-blown anorexia. (which doesnt mean u NEVER eat btw, for me it meant i ALMOST never ate). Anyways it lives in my brain but i do an alright job suffering and balancing it out to a semi decent level . keeping things under control, people!!! .. hm. it comes in waves and phases.     also! (and i know this a big fear of anorexics) i pretty much gave up bitch! my body and my mind gave out and when you start finding yourself in hospitals and not being able to form complete sentences or stand up in the shower and get out of the house.... sometimes there is no other choice but to  make changes because its life and death.. and even if its not , its still not worth it. and then once you let your brain get a little less sick- you cant tap back into the manic, sick cesspool midframe that made it possible for you to function off like no net calories a day (not including beer)... 

*note!!!! i do still tap back into the headspace! but i  try to embrace giving up fast!  i know that seems like failure when you're still in a twisted mindset, and maybe it is.  But is failing at an eating disorder so bad??? no, its SWAG.  u get waayyy smarter.  your braind NEEDS calories. E = MC2 !  and its actually much chicer to be a recovering anorexic right? Get one of those " I BEAT ANOREXIA" tshirts. 

 .... this shit once was literally my worst fucking fear... food. eating. looking fatter. well guess what it still sucks and i still am bad at body positivity and act crazy sometimes but i'd rather be genius vibes because my brain works better... and i fucking couldn't do it that hard anymore and i gave the fuck up. so here i am and i keep it moving. 

.......................................anyways. who cares. le body is le temple. 

I still have silly tastebuds of a sometimes non-eater, and sometimes binge eater and very occasional bulimic : i love pickles, mustard, diet soda.. all the low calorie- sharp taste shit. i eat tons of Kimche. i love vodka. a friend recently told me that i should do a russian diet. i think my fave food ever is Sushi or Caesar salad or francais fries or chocolate or vodka or diet coke or cheetos or movie popcorn or fruit. 

it took over a year of overeating and really really miserable battles between starving myself and eating to get used to sort of meals at semi regular times and not planning shit out like a neurotic bitch or freaking out at the whole foods salad bar or just gorging myself on take out. these days ive chilled out a lot. NOT saying im cured. but sometimes i even use the stove. and thats a lot of progress from a coupe years of like  rice cakes and 1 snicker bar a day.  

lets just get to a classic what i eat in a week post... im over this and my energy is fading, Must be time for a snack :)) .. im not gonna log everything i eat because thats wack but im gonna log shit i remembered to take pics of....

i now present, the long awaited, EPIC........................................................

WHAT I EAT IN NEW YORK, POST ANOREXIA : 

 

1. DIET COKE. best drink in entire world ever. the best is fountain diet coke with lots of ice. this one is from 7/11 but I prefer McDonald's d coke over everything. 

2. MUSHROOM SOUP. yummmmy!xx

3.SMOOTHIES. usually i dont like the green kind but this one rocked. my fave is jamba juice but thats hard to come by in nyc unless u wanna eat at port authority food court. 

3.5. JUICE VITALITY IS SO EFFING GOOD. its my fave place in Manhattan for smoothies and acai bowls. i used to live right by it in the east village and it was like all i ate one month. i like the PB PUNCH smoothie and the faux chocolate one.  its like a milkshake without the stomach ache. u have to try. its on 1st avenue between 11th and 12th street.

4.YOGURT AND BEER . I freaking love Greek yogurt Ihave one almost every day lately.*

(*ok three weeks later and im offically SICK of yogurt and have moved onto overnight oats....)  and i like beer. my fave is prob Sapporo but its more expensive so I usually get Modelo, Coors Light (luv it), or Budweiser.

5.VODKA, DIET  COKE (BOTTLED). any vodka brand will do. i like it cheap. bottle coke is not as good as fountain or canned, but its good for taking shots on le subway etc. often gets me in trub. 

6. BAGELS, BITCH. this one has tuna. i eat bagels for like very 4th meal of my life. bread is so good. and coffee. and eating outside, especially in midtown, is fab. midtown is extremely underrated. It has every kind of person and is simply vibey. 

.7 BAGELS, BITCH. like i said i love eating bagels. these ones I made at home. one i put hella veggies on because i tried it once at a job and i loved it and it looks weird aka cool.  plus i am obsessed with cucumbers i can literally eat them plain or sometimes i just eat them with cream cheese which was a fave snack of mine as a kid. the other is cream cheese and lox with a little cucumber and a quarter of it is avo with a ton of cuc. 

8. SALAD. very chic food. my fave is sweetgreen (kale ceasar) . this one was from some brooklyn place it was delish it had like turkey and cranberries and shit. my bf  who we call "kiss" on le blog for privacy made it. 

9.AVOCADO/MARILYN PLATE. i really really love this plate! and avocado is so basic bitch and delish i eat it on a bagel or with eggs (poached) all the time. obvi, i am scrambling for pics. bare with me plz, it gets better! 

10. BURITOS. looks gross but thats a vibe. with hot sauce. 

11.BORSCHT SOUP ET TUNA (B&H). B&H deli is fab. Its by Saint Marks so theres lolz people watching. RA RA RA support B&H you know le vibe. Its a New York thing but I really enjoy a great cliche! The tuna melt is better than the cold tuna sandwich but I usually order off the daily special menu, so this is what I had this day. I always get the borscht soup. I dont normally like beets, but the soup is so gorg and so good. 

12.DUMPLINGS. I keep forgetting to take pics until I'm half done eating. These dumplings r fab you just stick them on a pan for a few mins to heat them up. then cover in hot and soy sauce. 

13. CHIC LOBSTER SNACK. A friend made these - lobster with cheese on little bread. so so cute and delish. prob too complicated for me to make myself but they're amaze. After this snackI went to dinner for the first time in like a year and had fried anchovies and Greek salad. and orange wine which apparently is all the rage with trendy eaters. 

14. FRIED TOMATO, POACHED EGG, PETITE BAGEL AVEC LOX/CREAMCHEESE/CUCUMBER.  Very into fried tomato's lately. I used to think poached eggs were like a delicacy but it turns out its really easy and quick... maybe the easiest way to make eggs. Here's my recipe for poached eggs: boil water, add splash of apple cider vinegar, crack egg into boiling water, cover pot with lid and TURN THE STOVE OFF, let egg cook in covered pot for 4(I like mine runny) to 5 minutes as the waters cools (iusually just smoke a cig and when im done take it out) .remove with one of those spoons with holes ....viola! 

15. AVOCADO, TOMATO, POACHED EGG. I have this as a breakfast or snack. 

16. GNOCCHI avec VODKA SAUCE et BROCCOLI . Sorry for another gross pic... I was too hungry to deal with photography. Kiss cooked this for moi. delish. !!!!!!!! i luv luv luv gnocchi , you can buy the little premaid ones and pop them in a skillet for 5 min and its dank. 

17. PRET A MANGER BITCH!!! i LOVE pret. its so consistent, quick, and yum. I usually get the tuna baguette with cucumber but this day I opted for jambon et cheese. the coffee at pret is crappy in the way that i love. i add milk and three splenda. their diet coke is overpriced but i just cant resist.  to moi, Pret is the much much much chic-er Panera . I dont know if i've actually ever had Panera but i know it isn't chic.  !! WAIT! actually!  i think i had a hot  loaf of bread and huge diet coke from a Panera drive through once in Long Island ... and that's actually super chic. i guess pret is for le city and panera is for le burbs. 

18. SALADS. absolute fave is sweet green . the best sweet green is the one on KENMARE bc it has a soho crowd and a giant photo of the yeahyeahyeahs in the bathroom. this ones from the brooklyn place from above .still good. i guess its more of a harvest bowl. omg also fyi sweet green is the spot if youre broke bc  they have giant shelves of take out pick up salad by the door. and  they seem to use honor system so... 

19. BOK CHOY plus KIMCHE. i  fucking loooove kimche and bok choy.so effing good always. this on top of rice is the best thing ever. omg i want to do this with fried rice.... !coming soon bitches! and this second pic i had it again but with some tuna and carrots as a like snacky platter. ugly healthy food  is cool to moi...

20. SUSHIIIIIIIIIII someone ordered this for moi. sushi is prob my fave food i could eat it for every meal but in covid era i dont get it much because im not a huge fan of ordering food. 

21.SQUID CURRY mmmmmm from pho grand. the guy working there recommended once and now its a fave of mine. this one i ate basically for breakfast which was a mistake but for late lunch or dinner it HITS. 

22.VIETNAMESE ICED COFFEE . aussi pho grand . the cups make me feel like its the olden times!

23. VEG BURRITO BURITTO 2.0  . this one actually sucked but whatev. regalos in Brooklyn is my fave for mexican food.  this one was so beyond bland. BLEHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

24. MORE B&H Deli. Veg lasagna, borsch soup, hallah bread, coffee, and a goat cheese/tomato omelette with potatoes. kiss got the lasagna.  best omlette everrrrr and its like 8 dollars for the plate. seriously. u need this omlettttttttttttttttttttttttttt

-fin-

Okayyyyy Thats it. I know its crazy it took me over a month to food document... but these ARE uncertain times after all and my blog camera doesn't easily fit into my little white Chanel bag and I forget a lot because i Live in le moment and i dont think tracking ALL my food would be good considering the above mini manifesto // my neurosis. 

If you are struggling with anything ED related let me just tell you that it might always suck but it doesn't always have to be as bad as it might be for you right now. Trust moi it can actually get sooooooooooooo much better! I def feel loads better than i used to. LOADS! Asking for help is chic.

Ta ta, dear readers. I hope my total honesty was alright. 

N A M A S T E